Back in the summer, we heard stories about the “burcycle”. That’s a portmanteau word incorporating burqa and bicycle. It would allow women in Iran – where women are not allowed to ride bicycles – to take to the road on two wheels (they can ride on motorbikes, apparently, but must be accompanied by a male and sit behind him, which makes actually driving the motorbike a bit difficult without pressing her gazonkas arousingly against her companion's back, which could be a bit embarrassing if it's her dad).
The woman riding an ordinary bicycle is deemed to be too arousing for Muslim men, it seems, so someone has invented this “burcycle” contraption, which is a sort of shed on two wheels. The poor cyclist is in the shed, pedalling away, and remains concealed, apart, we assume, from the head.
But even the head could find itself more covered than usual. We heard a few weeks ago that some crazy imam in Saudi Arabia wants veiled women to be able to show only one eye. Yes, one eye is enough, apparently, says Sheikh Muhammad al-Habadan.
Anything more is seen as a come-on to the men. Well, the heterosexual ones, that is, but, of course, most Islamic countries don’t have homosexuals, do they? If they find any, they usually dispose of them in interesting ways.
But just what is it about the Muslim male that makes him less able than others to keep his pecker in his pants? Why is it so hard to prevent the blood running to his dangly bits?
A document that came into my possession some time ago may be of interest, and is clearly good news to many Muslim males. This highly sensitive piece of evidence (OK, its provenance may be a bit dubious) came to me after I had read a story in the International Herald Tribune last year, in which Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat, the spiritual leader of the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party, accuses women of “emotional abuse”, saying that men are finding it difficult to sleep at night because they are so aroused. He wants changes,
. . . including that women should stop wearing lipstick and perfume to lower the risk of being raped. Women’s groups have slammed his statements, saying Islam teaches both men and women to be responsible for modesty. They say comments like these encourage rapes because it puts the onus on women.
And so to my highly sensitive document. This purports (as I say, it could just be a fake) to be a transcript of a sermon this geezer gave to his brethren within the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party, which shows that not all is bad, and some Muslims are rising to the challenge. This is what he is alleged to have had to say:
Brothers, it is with a sad heart that I come before you today – though “come” may not be the most appropriate of words in these hard— er, these trying times.
I am truly cognisant of how uncomfortable it is for us to pray, kneeling as we do. These harlots do not realise the anguish caused to us five times a day when we come here to commune with Allah (pbuh) and our Pillars of Islam make painful contact with the floor.
But, in his great munificence and generosity of spirit, most merciful Allah (pbuh) has smiled on his poor, hard-done-to creatures, and has provided gracious compensations.
My great friend Dawoud al-Har Don in Rawalpindi is now making a great profit (pbuh) by selling mini-burqas to his brothers in that great city so they can cover their impressive members while undressing for bed, in order that their womenfolk might not become violently aroused at the sight of them and seek to rape them.
In New York, where he runs a street stall selling most agreeable and delectable sweetmeats, my good friend and cousin-twelve-times-removed Hadir al-Priapus has found a novel and amusing way to display his halal doughnuts to customers.
And my wife’s uncle, Mahmoud el-Stiffi – in Bradford in England – has at last found somewhere to hang his donkey jacket.
And as for myself, my brothers, I have grown an affection for my member and have decided to give him – er, it – a name. I have chosen for his name Mohammed (pbuh).
The International Herald Tribune is not the only news outlet to carry the story. But no publication other than Pink Triangle has hard evidence of Nik’s letter to his hard-done-to brethren in Malaysia. We have hard copy, and we have it firmly backed up on an external hard drive.
The drive was not hard, however, till it noticed a pair of floppies.
Hat tip: Freethinker